


Make Love Not War

by YourShadow



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Crack, Khirk, M/M, Multiple Pairings, mckirk - Freeform, spirk
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-30
Updated: 2016-09-21
Packaged: 2018-01-17 12:24:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1387516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YourShadow/pseuds/YourShadow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After watching Star Trek: Into Darkness (for the billionth time) recently I started writing a bunch of crack and what if scenarios. I meant to post this a lot sooner but shit happened soooo....yeah. Enjoy the cray. Each chapter revolves around a specific pairing (all including Kirk) and some crack, but also serious what if stuff or alternate scene shenanigans. I may do more pairings as I feel the need.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Khirk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Pffft. Like I would own any part of the Star Trek fandom.
> 
> Warning: Slash fic, implied (consensual) sex. Violence. Lots of violence because I like my Khan dangerous. Crack. Lots of crack. Because Kirk is fun when he’s on crack. Also puns.
> 
> I woke up a couple days ago with a dream about Kirk and Khan (dunno where it came from, although I’ve been hankering to watch Into Darkness recently) and decided they were my new ship. Herein commences the crack, broken up into sections. Some are funny, some are just “what if?” scenarios I came up with while watching and fantasizing. This is going to end up the exact same as my “If Athrun Was a Flamer” fic. Each chapter will be based around a certain pairing with both crack and serious scenarios interspersed. Look forward to Spirk/Spork and McKirk soon~
> 
> We’ll start with the serious stuff first:

**Dude, I am _so_ sorry**

_When Kirk sees Khan after everything goes down, he’s terrified. As a result, he tries his best to apologize to the one man who has every reason to kill him…_

_So of course I watched the movie recently and decided…it is NOT a good idea to piss off Khan. Kirk gets a chance to apologize, and who knows what else~ (wink). Also, some events have been slightly altered, more for time-line’s sake and for this moment to even happen. Consider it a deleted scene or something. So this is kind of like a…How it Should Have Ended thing…_

“Dude, I am _so_ sorry.” Kirk blurted the first thing that came to mind when he stood face to face with Khan in the aftermath of the crash. Seconds later he winced at his own words. Definitely the wrong thing to say in the moment.

Khan growled, lurching forward, his rage zeroing in on the captain who dared to approach him. His crew was gone, his plans were ruined, his very existence was futile and this…this…blond little hotshot said he was _sorry_? Words did not contain the hatred he felt in that moment, nor could they have been used to explain to Kirk why exactly that was the worst possible thing to say to him.

“Shit…that came out badly.” Kirk breathed, then flinched at the oncoming blows.

Kirk had a deep-seeded feeling of utter regret and fear. The moment he saw Khan, things changed. His emotions went haywire. The way the superhuman fought, his intelligence, his domination of anyone who dared to stand up to him got to him. Honestly, if he wasn’t so pissed off about his mentor’s death, he would’ve jumped the man’s bones after he defeated the Kinglons.

I mean _damn_ was that hot.

Kirk wasn’t usually attracted to males, but every once in a while he saw something in a man that aroused his attention. Khan’s searing hate and vengeance, the way he used and manipulated everyone around him, clever enough to have them following like puppies right into his hands, made Kirk shiver. Of course, the way those steel eyes glared into his brighter baby blues also brought a shiver to his spine.

So he knew, without a doubt, the way he handled the entire situation brought him to this point. It was his fault. He made horrible decisions because he didn’t know what he was doing and didn’t understand the man he was doing things to. He pushed Khan too far without even realizing it. He knew he should have never ordered Scotty to stun the man on the bridge of the Vengeance. Mistake number one.

Thinking about it now, if he could redo the entire take-over he would have trusted Khan just a little more—or at least wouldn’t stab him in the back when they were all the most vulnerable. He wondered what would have happened if he just let Khan have his revenge on Marcus, if he would have went along with the man’s plan just a few moments more. He knew Khan was using him in that moment, it was obvious even to him (and he had to admit, he wasn’t too bright all the time). But deep down, he believed they could have been friends, if not allies.

They may even have a chance now. That is, if Khan stops beating his head in with his fist. It was another mistake on the long list of foolish things he has learned never to do again when it comes to Khan: confronting him when the superhuman was furious and unyielding. But he had a chance, and he had to take it.

“S-Stop Khan, just stop, wait!” Kirk cried out, trying to dodge or at least brace himself against the impact. “Just listen for a sec! Please!” he pleaded, holding up his hands in front of him. The universal sign for ‘oh god please don’t hurt me’ otherwise known as surrender. His heart was beating wildly, breathing ragged and hitching, adrenaline pumping through his veins…and fear. Fear was everywhere. In his eyes, in his shaking limbs, screaming at him from his mind, in the way his legs just wanted to run far, far away from the danger in front of him.

Khan could see it. He relished this power over Kirk, but his anger would not subside. However, if Kirk wanted to say his last words, he would let him. “Make it quick.” He spat, enunciating each word, fist poised to strike as he gripped the younger man’s uniform.

“Okay, okay, I realize I began this whole conversation wrong.” Kirk started.

“Wrong? You did _everything_ leading up to this moment _wrong_.” Khan replied, glaring down at the captain with loathing.

“I know, and I…I really am sorry.” Kirk told him sincerely, realizing it wasn’t enough but hoping it could calm the beast within Khan down enough for him to explain. He really wished he would have started this differently.

“Sorry? _Sorry_? Sorry for turning against me? Sorry for killing everything I ever loved and held dear, everything I would ever fight and die for? Or are you sorry for incurring my wrath, sorry for the millions of people I can and will _kill_ after your cold corpse is left here when I’m through with you?” Khan seethed.

Kirk took a moment to control his emotions, both terrified and aroused. It was a bitch to deal with when Khan was so close, his eyes glowering down at him. “Um…both?” he replied honestly. “Look, I know I’ve made mistakes with you, and I have definitely learned what _not_ to do. I should have never let Scotty stun you like that, it was wrong of me. And what Spock did with the torpedoes? Totally was _not_ sanctioned by me, and I cannot apologize enough for that mistake. I understand your anger, and you have every right to hate me, but please…” he paused, unsure, “please just…know I didn’t want any of this to happen, and I wish I could take it all back. I’m sorry, Khan.”

“You’re just saying that because you don’t want me to kill you.”

Kirk’s face widened as he quickly responded, “True, that is very true.” He held up a finger. “However…there are…. _other_ things you could do to me…” he suggested. His face heated up a bit at both his bravado and suggestion, but he kept his grin.

Khan blinked. “Like what?” he stated flatly.

Kirk squeezed his lips into a flat line and raised his eyebrows. His arms were raised in a shrugging motion. “Anything you want..?” he replied tentatively, unsure if it was a question or statement.

After a moment Khan’s face began to shift and his grip loosened on Kirk’s shirt. A grin began to spread across his face and Kirk finally thought this would be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.

***

Kirk’s head was shoved into the tub of water, held under by Khan’s hand roughly squeezing the back of his neck. He tried to lift himself out, using his shoulders and pushing on the rim with his hands, but Khan was too strong. He held his breath for as long as possible, but water still filled his lungs. Right as his vision began to blur, he was pulled out of the water, soaked and taking a deep breath.

“This…is not…what…I meant.” he said between breaths, still being held by Khan’s grip.

“Tell me _more_.” Khan growled.

“I already told you,” Kirk panted, “everything I know.” He looked at Khan, giving him his most sincere, innocent expression.

Khan snarled and threw Kirk aside, letting the man fall against the hard floor of the room. Kirk’s head bounced and he winced, grabbing the back of his head. He brought one knee up, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to stand for a while, so just lay there waiting and panting.

“They can’t possibly send a captain as young as you out on a ship like the _Enterprise_ with a full crew without so much as a word pertaining to your duties and missions.” Khan said, pacing.

Kirk gave a half-shrug. “You heard Marcus, they don’t tell me shit until it’s already happening and I’m stuck in the middle of it.”

Khan shot him a glare and continued pacing. After a moment he paused and turned to admire the view. Kirk was flat on his back, disoriented and in total surrender, just _waiting_ for…

Suddenly the realization of Kirk’s earlier implications dawned on him. Khan’s mouth quirked into another grin as he strode over, then knelt over the young captain’s body.

“Well, if I can’t get any more information out of you, I may as well use you in _other_ ways.” He purred.

Kirk took a moment to digest those words, then began giggling like a madman.

* * *

 

**Kirk shamelessly flirting with Khan**

_Because he’s a manwhore and Khan is the bomb dot com. And there are so many reasons for this to have actually happened._

“Dayum, who’s that hot piece of ass?” Kirk says in passing, turning around to admire John Harrison as they bring him onto the Enterprise, surrounded by security.

“Sir…that’s the enemy.” Spock replies, only barely hiding his confusion, annoyance, and anger at his captain.

Kirk stops. “Really?” he smirks. Eyebrows are raised in appreciation. “I’d tap that.”

***

Captain Kirk saunters up to the cell holding Khan, who is glaring at him in a menacing pose. “Hey babe, how about you and me—,”

He is swiftly interrupted by Spock who slaps a hand across Kirk’s mouth. “Ignore him. Please.”

Kirk muffles something behind Spock’s hand and Doctor McCoy sighs, shaking his head. Khan just stares.

Kirk eventually manages to push Spock’s hand away and comes closer to the glass, gesturing to his body as he speaks. “Come ooooon I know you want this—,”

“Dammit Kirk! Can you not this time?!” He is interrupted again when Bones yells at him.

“ _Khan_ I? _Khan_ I pleaaaaaase~” he begs.

The crewmembers nearby grab their heads and pretend to die, screaming and crying out at the awful pun and their Captain’s behavior.

“Sir, I suggest you behave seriously in front of our captive. He may take you the wrong way.” Spock tells Kirk.

“Oh I’m sure he’ll take me the _right_ way.” He says with a wink, then laughs, “HAHA! SPADOOSH!” he crows his signature line with a crude gesture and walks away. “Kirk out! Yeah you watch this fine ass walk away!” he calls, pointing at said object of desire.

Spock’s rage-o-meter is nearing its maximum, while Doctor McCoy puts his hands on his hips and faces Khan, who still is unsure what he just witnessed.

“Please, for the love of God, do _not_ take anything he says or does with a grain of salt. Do not indulge him. Just ignore him and it’ll stop eventually.”

Khan raises an eyebrow.

McCoy points at the prisoner. “I cannot reiterate this enough: Do not engage the target.”

Khan grins.

“Shit. We’re fucked.”

“I think you mean Kirk is fucked.”

“SPADOOSH!”

***

Khan and Kirk are fighting side-by-side against the Klingons. Khan has multiple weapons at his disposal, with a particularly large shooter attached to his hip. Badass, as usual. Kirk is keeping up, but every time he looks around he sees Khan flying through the air, knocking down Klingons left and right or blowing through them.

“ _Damn_ that’s hot!” Kirk exclaims.

Khan glances over with a confused look, wondering why the hell the Captain would find it appropriate to flirt with him in this setting.

Kirk shrugs. “Hey, I’m not afraid to admire you openly.”

“Now isn’t exactly the time.” Khan replies.

“I can’t help the fact that when you move like this it turns me on.” He shrugs again. Khan gapes, almost missing a Klingon sneak up on him. Almost. Without even looking, still gaping at Kirk, he turns his gun to shoot the enemy behind him. “See, like that. That’s _hawt_.”

“Dear Starfleet this kid is a sexual deviant.” Khan mutters under his breath.

“Hey so like, can you show me those moves later…when we’re more… _alone_.” Kirk asks as they continue fighting, wriggling his eyebrows.

Khan rolls his eyes, shoving Kirk down as he blasts the enemies who have formed a circle around them, taking them out in one swift move. Kirk squeals. “Do that again!”

* * *

 

**My ship, my music.**

_Captain Kirk likes to play music over the Enterprise’s speakers for the whole ship to hear. If that’s not bad enough, he also likes to challenge random crewmembers to dance-offs at unpredictable times and places. Normally this is simply an annoyance, but it becomes completely embarrassing for the entire crew once Khan is on board and Kirk…doesn’t…stop…dancing…_

The latest hip beat is blasting over the speakers of the _Enterprise_ to the crew’s mild annoyance. While they are used to their Captain’s antics, it still causes slight irritation when he decides to force them all to endure his immature behavior.

Particularly when the most dangerous enemy they have and probably will ever face is standing in the brig and looking up at the speakers with an appalled expression.

“Captain, must you continue this while Khan is on board?” Spock asks in a tired tone.

“Seriously man, this isn’t the time.” Bones McCoy adds, hands on hips.

Kirk is too busy dancing and ignores them, his movements random yet oozing with sexuality. The man can move. When he wants to. It’s all in the hips. “I can’t hear you over how awesome this music is!” he yells.

Spock and Bones sigh, then glance at each other with unnerved expressions.

Kirk stops and gasps. “Wait! I have a brilliant idea!” he says, a gleam in his eye.

“I don’t like that look of mischief.” Bones mutters.

“Neither do I, Doctor.” Spock agrees. Again they share an odd look.

Kirk runs up to Khan’s cell. “Hey, you’re a 90’s kid, right?”

Khan quirks an eyebrow. “Are you referring to the Eugenics Wars in—,”

“Yeah that, you remember that time?” Kirk asks impatiently.

“Of course, why?”

Kirk grins and holds up his hands. “Be right back!” he exclaims before taking off. He slides into the control room where the source of his music is playing and begins typing on the computer. After some time new music begins playing, specifically from that time period.

“Wannabe” by the Spice Girls is blasting and the entire crew pauses, wondering what sort of Hell their Captain has brought this time.

Khan’s eyes widen and his mouth drops as Kirk runs back in. He’s dancing. Horribly. “How do you like this? I thought maybe some 90’s music would make you feel better. Am I doing these moves right?”

Khan is speechless, staring at the man who just succeeded in capturing him. Bones groans and Spock looks thoroughly confused.

“Wait, don’t speak. I know just what you’re saying.” Kirk says, singing along to the lyrics of “Don’t Speak” by No Doubt when it comes on next.

Khan face-palms. “I’m flattered, really, but this isn’t necessary Captain.” He never expected this kind of behavior from his enemy, he almost feels too sorry for him to kill him. Almost. If he keeps playing that damn music Khan just might bust out of his cell and kill him now.

“Come on Khan I need to know!” Kirk sings along to Marc Anthony’s hit song, getting overdramatic with the movements and dance moves.

“This isn’t happening.” Khan breathes, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I just wanted to talk, seriously just kill me now.”

“Hey!” Kirk points at Khan with a more serious expression. “I challenge you to a dance-off.”

“What.”

“What? Kirk that’s absolutely nuts!” Bone yells.

Kirk does a spin and begins breakdancing. “Whoomp there it is!”

“You cannot be serious.” Khan mutters.

“Oh I _khan_ though.” Kirk replies as “Whoomp shakalaka shakalaka skakalaka!” plays in the background.

“You realize I am superior in every way, _including_ dancing.”

“ _Khan_ you dig it?”

Khan rolls his eyes before gettin’ jiggy wit’ it as Will Smith’s classic song plays. He breaks out all the old dance moves, such as the sprinkler, vogue, hammertime, tootsie roll, the jump, and of course the jiggy as each song comes on. He also begins moonwalking at one point but Jim is too busy laughing on the ground to watch.

“Duuuude those are so laaaaaame!” he guffaws.

“Well it’s better than that new-age shit you were doing earlier!” Khan snarls, offended at the way Kirk is mocking his culture.

Kirk gasps. “You take that back!” he exclaims, pointing.

Khan is about to lay down a devastating insult when the Backstreet Boys start singing. “Oh wait, this song is my _jam_!” he says and starts singing. “ _I want it that way~_ ”

* * *

 

**NC-17**

_Every time I look at the Enterprise I keep thinking it says NC-17 and now it won’t leave me alone._

“Welcome to my ship, the NC-17 _Enterprise_.” Kirk says to Khan by way of greeting.

Spock clears his throat and leans over to whisper in Kirk’s ear, “The correct designation for this starship is the USS _Enterprise_ NCC-1701, Captain.”

“Right, what did I say?” Kirk replies.

“You just rated your ship as a movie for viewers seventeen and older, the close equivalent of porn in my time period.” Khan answers.

“Oh…” Kirk says with a nod. “That too.”

Spock sighs and places a palm across his face to hide the shame of having Kirk as his Captain.

* * *

 

**Acting Out of Character**

_Kirk keeps messing up his line to Khan when he asks “Why did you allow me to live?” (inspired by this tumblr post:_ [ _http://molten-sky.tumblr.com/post/76725925879/basically_ ](http://molten-sky.tumblr.com/post/76725925879/basically) _)_

“Why did you allow me to live?”

“Because you’re hot as fuck.” Kirk answers.

“Cut!” Spock yells, throwing his hands in the air. “Wrong line, _Captain_.”

“Oh shit, sorry.” He replies with a sheepish grin.

***

“Because you’re fucking sexy as hell.”

“Dammit man, you had one job!” McCoy yells at him this time.

Kirk shrugs, palms up. “What? Alright I’ll do it again.”

***

“Because when I saw you fighting those Klingons I got a raging boner.”

“Jesus Kirk, ye cannae just say the wrong line every time!” Scotty shouts.

“Well gimme the script then so I can see the actual line!” Kirk exclaims and is thrown a script. He looks it over and frowns disapprovingly. “Well that’s just stupid. Why would I say that?”

“Just do it ye sodding cod!”

***

“Because you so fine I wanna make you mine.”

“Keptin, if you start vith ze singing again I vill stab you in the patushka!” Chekov screams. (1)

“Woah now, take it easy there.” Kirk holds up his hands, backing away. The rest of the crew start inching away from the angry little Russian.

***

“Because you got a fine ass and there’s no need to waste it.”

The entire crew groans, sinking into their chairs or falling to the floor in agony. “Not agaiiiiiiin!”

“Clearly this fine specimen of superior humanity isn’t getting the recognition he deserves!” Kirk yells back at them, gesturing to Khan who is standing with his arms crossed, completely amused yet confused as to this behavior.

* * *

 

**Blood**

_Kirk thinks he’s a superhuman after Khan uses his blood to revive the dead Captain. Oh how wrong he is and oh how stupid he looks trying to show off for the prisoner…_

“Hey look at me everyone! Captain Superhuman, oh yeah!” the newly revived Kirk exclaims as he runs around the bridge. “I feel stronger and faster and even smarter! This is _sweet_! Oh look, I’m even using 90’s slang!”

“Kirk, you _do_ realize his blood didn’t make you into the same thing as him, right?” Bones McCoy drawls.

“Of course it did! Isn’t that how DNA stuff works?” Kirk replies and then waves Bones away. “Hey Spock, come on, let’s go another round. I bet I can take you now.” He says to the Vulcan and gets into a fighting stance, hopping from one foot to the other with his fists up.

Spock shakes his head slowly. “No thank you, Captain. I want no part of this.” He holds up his hands in front of him.

“Aw c’mooooon!”

Spock makes an X with his arms and slashes them away. “None.”

“Pfft, whatever, I know I can take you now.” Kirk replies and walks off the bridge.

“Wait Kirk!” McCoy calls after him, running to catch up as he realizes where Kirk is heading next.

***

“Hey Khan let’s go. I bet I’m as strong as you now.” Kirk says, facing the cell where Khan is locked up.

“That’s…not how it works, Jim.”

“I _dare_ you. Just hit me and I’ll hit you back and it’ll actually hurt this time.” He gets into the same fighting stance as before.

“I’ll still kick your ass, Jim.”

Kirk begins punching and kicking at the air. “I’m so much faster now! Look at me go! You’re not the only superhuman around here anymore, admit it, you’re jealous!”

“Your motor functions and skills are the exact same as before, you’re just imagining an improvement.” Khan tells him.

“Then prove it.”

“Fine, let me out of this cell and I will.” Khan agrees with a small grin. _‘This kid is so stupid I bet he’ll actually let me out if he believes my blood made him similar to me.’_

“Alright.” Kirk accepts and starts punching in the code.

“Ohhhhh no ya don’t!” McCoy comes running in, pushing Kirk away from the controls. He turns to Khan and wags a finger at him. “Not getting out that easily, mister.”

Khan scowls, pouting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note: That’s….all I got for now haha! If you have other suggestions feel free to let me know in a review! This is something to slake your thirst after Sweet Dreams and Moments with Master. However, the next chapters will feature other pairings. 
> 
> (1) Don’t pretend you don’t know this word clearly means “buttocks” in a Russian-esque language. In any case, that’s how I use it to mean.


	2. Spirk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: The gay would be too intense if I had anything to do with Star Trek. I also do not own any songs mentioned.
> 
> Warnings: Slash fic, fetishes, implied (consensual) sex, vulgar language/curse words. Crack. Vulcans.
> 
> This is the Spirk (or Spork as I like to call it) chapter of the randomness I am contributing to this fandom. Just ignore the random changes of tense. Crack is illogical.

**Kirk has a choking fetish**

_When Spock was choking him, Kirk realized he was both frightened and aroused. When he sees Spock again, those feelings come back with a vengeance. And then he squeaks before running away._

James Tiberius Kirk never realized how much he enjoyed pain until he felt those Vulcan fingers pressing against his throat. The tight grip nearly closed off his lungs, forcing the oxygen in his brain to deteriorate rapidly, giving him a dizzying feeling. It wasn’t too bad, though. He felt like he was flying, the pressure rolling his eyes back into his skull, his mouth open and gaping. Only later, when one of the on-looking crewmembers (who he happened to hook up with during his years at the Academy at one point) told him he was making his O Face, did he realize choking was a fetish of his.

It made sense after he took the time to think about it. The adrenaline, the fear, the excitement; it all stimulated him, kept him going, made him feel the most _alive_. So when Spock held his neck in his hand, glaring down at him—completely emotionally compromised—it seemed only right for Kirk to feel both frightened and aroused. While he was able to put those feelings away for the rest of the time they were in trouble, the after-effects wouldn’t leave him alone. They were safe now. Things were back to their boring normalcy.

He _thought_ those feelings were safely examined and tucked away, even spoke to Bones McCoy once about it (not revealing, of course, the exhilarating feeling he got out of the choking incident, just his emotional state of being attacked by a fellow crewmember). In reality, he was far from being over the incident.

Kirk was talking with Lieutenant Uhura, walking briskly through the hallway of the _Enterprise_ , when they rounded a corner. Briefly looking up, he met familiar brown eyes. Human eyes which belonged on a Vulcan face. A very _stimulating_ Vulcan face.

He looked back up and stopped, then gave the shrillest, most embarrassing shriek in the whole of human history. Spock watched in slight confusion as Kirk jerked away and then scrambled in the opposite direction, rounding the corner again as he continued screaming and running down the hall.

Uhura stood, a shocked expression on her face, blinking rapidly. “What…was that?” she turned to Spock. “What did you _do_ to him?”

Spock lifted an eyebrow. “Nothing I can recall as of recently.”

“You think maybe he’s still freaked out over you kicking his ass?”

“Perhaps, if the look of terror on his face and the noise he produced can be attributed to that situation, although it does little to explain the slight bulge in his pants I noticed.” Spock replied, ever so logically. His expression was blank, head tilted slightly to the side.

Uhura blinked again. “Why were you looking at his pants?” she asked accusingly.

Spock stared at her until she felt uncomfortable and turned away, following Kirk and occasionally looking over her shoulder at Spock with an odd expression.

***

Bones McCoy heard an ear-shattering screech right before a wild Kirk practically jumped into his arms. The younger man was hyperventilating, flailing, and continually shrieking.

“Dammit man! Get yourself together Kirk!” the doctor ordered, grabbing a sedative and stabbing it into his friend’s neck. The shrieking halted as the man passed out, splayed across the ground. Bones sighed. “Someone drag him to a bed.”

A nurse complied and may (or may not) have taken advantage of the opportunity to caress the unconscious Captain with a soft giggle.

“What the hell’s gotten into him recently? This is the third time he’s come running in yelling about something.” Bones remarked, examining his friend with an annoyed expression.

Uhura poked her head in, noticed Kirk passed out on the bed, and nodded slightly to herself. “Try to keep him away from Spock, something is triggering him.” She commented, then left without any further explanation.

“This whole ship is going crazy…just like I said.” Bones muttered to himself.

***

Kirk realized he was awake and slowly opened his eyes.

Only to begin screeching again as he saw Spock hovering over him. The Vulcan quickly clasped a hand over the other man’s mouth to stop the noise, an irritated expression on his otherwise stoic face.

“Honestly Captain, this kind of behavior is not conducive to your role on this ship.” Spock said in a calm tone.

Kirk’s eyes widened as he continued screaming into Spock’s hand. The hand that was so dangerously close to his neck. Thinking of the earlier incident and of his own feelings made the situation worse as he began flailing again. _‘He could take me right here and now. Oh god this is it. I won’t be able to stop him and I’m going to moan like a whore and then everyone will know I have a crush on the hottest fucking Vulcan in the universe.’_

“Doctor McCoy alerted me to your state of hysterics and I came at once to check on you. It seems my appearance somehow frightens you.” Spock continued, ignoring the squirming captain in his grip.

 _‘Jesus fuck,’_ Kirk thought. _‘All that power and I’m helpless underneath it. Oh shit, don’t think that, he’ll get the wrong idea! Wait, is this seriously turning me on? Holy mother of Spock this is the worst thing to happen right now. He’s so fucking strong oh my Vulcan whyyyyy! Stop thinking bad thoughts, stop thinking bad thoughts. Sweet Starfleet he’ll eat me alive and I think I’ll like it!’_

Spock raised an eyebrow again. “Are you still upset over our confrontation? I can assure you I am no longer emotionally compromised and wish you no harm. In fact I want to thank you for what you did, despite risking your health. I offer my friendship in return for yours.”

Kirk calmed under Spock’s kind, soothing words. He hesitantly lifted his hand to remove Spock’s from his mouth. The Vulcan’s fingers moved to rest over an artery in Kirk’s throat, feeling the drum of his heart rate beneath the tips. There was a subtle, nearly insignificant change in the Vulcan’s features.

Kirk was so focused on Spock he could see the slight difference. He gulped, all too aware of the small amount of pressure behind Spock’s fingers due to the movement of his adam’s apple. They stared at each other for a moment, knowing but refusing to speak out loud.

Slowly, eyes still locked on those bright blue eyes of his Captain’s, Spock withdrew his hand and stood straight, realizing he was leaning over Kirk’s body in a compromising position. He nodded and turned to leave.

“Hey Spock.” Kirk called after him lightly. The Vulcan turned. “You can choke me anytime.”

_(Well that was a rollercoaster of what the actual fuck. Didn’t expect them to get all fluffy on me.)_

* * *

  **Do it for the vine**

_Kirk tries to kiss, lick, and flirt with Spock at random and inappropriate times for the vine._

Scotty holds the camera in front of Kirk who gives a lady-killer grin. “Hi, Jim Kirk here, Captain of the _U.S.S. Enterprise_. I’m going to hit on a Vulcan and see what happens. Wish me luck!” he says with a wink and a thumbs up to the camera.

The engineer chuckles and uploads it onto a popular website, making it a part of an ongoing series.

***

Kirk shares a look with his Chief Medical Officer, a slight grin betraying his excitement. Leonard “Bones” McCoy shakes his head slowly as if in warning. His eyes are alarmingly large, ready to perceive the inevitable backlash of the young captain’s actions. The rest of the crew (who know about the plan, of course) hold their breath. Sulu’s hand clenches on the controls of the _Enterprise_ while Chekov cannot help but sneak glances over his shoulder.

Captain Kirk is currently in the middle of an important, serious discussion with his First Officer, a Vulcan named Spock. Vulcans are logical, rational, stoic creatures who use their emotions much differently than humans. So of course it’s hilarious to watch them handle ludicrous situations, much to the amusement of their human counterparts. It’s just so fun to ruffle their pointy little ears.

Kirk can barely hold back a smile and bites his lip as Spock continues his scientific monologue. He’s waiting, biding his time until the perfect moment. Scotty appears in his peripheral with a thumbs up and a wide smile. It’s go time.

“—the amount of genetic stasis required to sustain such a level of thermonuclear—,” Spock is saying when he is cut off by a pair of lips pressed quickly against his own.

After Kirk dives in he immediately jumps back and screeches like a banshee, rushing off down the hall with Scotty who happened to record the entire three seconds of video where the Captain kissed the First Officer.

Spock remains frozen, his lips slightly parted in confusion even though he knows full well what just happened. The crew on the bridge is silent, yet soft giggling can be heard from members who are unable to hold them in. Biting their lips, nerves tensing, muscles clenching, they turn to see the Vulcan’s reaction.

Slowly, Spock moves his head to where Kirk fled the room, laughter still heard from the hallway as the two deviants lean on each other for support. McCoy sees the simmering rage beneath Spock’s otherwise calm features and sighs.

***

“So what did he do? I took off before I got to see his reaction.” Kirk asks Bones later.

“It’s a good thing ya did, he probably woulda whacked you upside the head.” Bones snorted.

“Oh c’mon, it was for the vine! You should see it! Already getting tons of views and comments, too.” Kirk replies, still smiling.

“Well he didn’t look happy. Just kinda stared for a moment and then turned around to glare. I wouldn’t do it again if I were you.” The doctor advises.

Kirk slaps him on the back. “That’s why you have no fun, Bones. Besides, we all know I can’t help a challenge.”

“It’s a bad idea the first time, let alone a second!” McCoy calls after him.

***

This time will be a more subtle approach. Scotty told Kirk to stay for a few moments longer than last time in order to get a proper reaction out of the Vulcan, and though wary, the daring captain agreed. He wants to see the look on his friend’s face, and not just from a recording.

It’s easier this way. Kirk is used to using body language and physicality to flirt, even though he never uses the tactics on Spock. He wonders how it will affect the pointy-eared bastard.

As he’s moving closer, he notices Uhura giving him a death glare. She saw the video from earlier and made it very clear she is not okay with this plan, nor will she be held responsible for the consequences of such rash actions. It only increases the amount of adrenaline pumping through his veins.

Kirk moves his body into position, standing close to Spock as he explains the details of their newest mission and why he absolutely refuses to let Kirk go through with it, as always. Neither of them confronted each other about what happened earlier. Once again the crew is trying to subtly watch the exchange to see what happens next on this latest adventure of their captain’s. Kirk’s hand is grasping Spock by the shoulder in a normal, friendly way. The Vulcan learned long ago not to question a human’s insistence on physical touch.

There is a slight quirk in his eyebrows when he feels Kirk’s hand move down to rest between his shoulder blades. He stares straight into those bright blue eyes, not backing down, promising pain if this behavior continues. Kirk’s lips twitch into a smirk as his hand moves again, fingers trailing along Spock’s spine. The Vulcan’s tone is clipped, teeth clenched, eyes flaring in warning. Kirk nods along to the conversation, smile growing, reflexes preparing to get away as soon as necessary.

“Captain.”

“Spock.”

(Glaring intensifies)

His hand moves again to Spock’s lower back. Nostrils flare. Smile widens. Fingers rest near the tailbone, itching to go further.

The bridge is silent. Kirk darts his eyes to Scotty who is motioning him to complete the action. Tentatively, Kirk’s fingers twitch. Spock clenches his fists, gritting his teeth. Kirk again shoots a glance at Scotty who is giving the thumbs up and reminding him to stay instead of running away this time. Kirk is nervous but giddy. He gives a slight pinch.

He can feel steam rising from the Vulcan. Right before the logical being loses all control over his emotions the captain lurches away, again screaming with laughter as he races to the turbo lift with Scotty in tow.

“Ha! Did you see his face?” Kirk gasps, clutching his stomach and leaning against the side of the lift.

“I was afraid he’d react too quickly before ye could get away. I cannae _believe_ he let you do that without so much as flinching!” Scotty replies.

“Lemme see, lemme see.” The captain says, gesturing for the camera. “Ohhhh yeah he looks _pissed_.”

“Should I tell McCoy to prepare Med Bay?” the engineer laughs.

“I got away again, and he won’t bring it up because that would be admitting what he let happen. I’ll be fine.” Kirk replies lightly, dismissing the idea of getting his ass beat for his actions. “Upload it, quick!”

“Already did, sir!”

“Yes!” they high-five, then step out of the turbo lift to part ways.

***

Spock is engaged in a discussion with Sulu when Kirk approaches. Pretending to join the conversation, he interjects a few words which Spock ignores. While the Vulcan isn’t looking, Kirk’s tongue darts out, nearly touching the skin of his neck. Sulu keeps getting distracted by the display of close calls. Each time the action is about to be completed Kirk looks away, as if unaware of his own behavior.

Spock looks over his shoulder with narrowed eyes at Kirk, who smiles. Turning back to Sulu, whose eyes dart between the Captain and First Officer as he stutters a response, he resists the urge to nerve pinch the man sticking his tongue out at him.

It is this manner of avoidance which causes Kirk’s tongue to make contact as he licks the side of Spock’s neck with a loud slurping sound. He stops mid-sentence, unmoving. Kirk stands nonchalantly beside him, arms crossed, daring to grin as their eyes meet.

After a moment he snorts with laughter and stumbles away, leaving Spock to glare and Sulu to blush, mortified.

“Now, as I was saying…” Spock continues after a moment, as if none of that happened.

***

“Okay now you’re going too far.” McCoy says sternly, looking Kirk dead in the eye.

“Pffft. He hasn’t even reacted yet. I bet he doesn’t even care.” Kirk says, waving a hand.

“Oh I know he cares. He’s been looking for you. If you do this, I’m not going to treat your wounds—if there’s enough of you left to treat after he’s through with you.”

“Nahhhh.”

“Yeahhhh.”

“Ah, Captain, it is good to finally find you, and with your doctor as well. Fitting.” Spock appears behind them, startling them both with his frightening demeanor.

“Oh hey! You were looking for me?” Kirk asks, glancing around for his dedicated cameraman.

“Yes. I already met with Mr. Scotty who informed me of your location.”

“Shit.” Kirk knows there’s little chance of filming any more shenanigans if Spock got ahold of the camera.

“I _told_ you.” Bones says, crossing his arms and giving Kirk a disapproving look.

Kirk laughs it off. “So what did you want with me?” he asks instead.

Spock lifts an elegant eyebrow. “I was made aware of some video footage you seem to be responsible for.”

“It was Uhura, wasn’t it? She always ruins my fun.”

“It does not matter who, Captain. I simply request you remove the videos and cease from that course of action immediately.”

“Or what?” Kirk asks with his own raised brows. McCoy is shaking his head, desperately trying to dissuade Kirk from further comments and behavior.

“Or I will resign.”

“Awwww c’mon don’t do that! I was just messing around!”

“I do not appreciate it.”

“Lighten up, live a little!”

“I can assure you I am quite alive.”

“You’re no fun, you know that?” Kirk states, pouting. He notices Scotty round the corner, his back-up camera in hand and a wink of encouragement for him. He grins. “I can show you a good time if you just let me.” he adds suggestively, leaning closer.

Spock’s face twitches. “That kind of open vulgarity is exactly what I’m talking about. I insist you refrain from such words and behavior.”

“You know you like it baby.” Kirk says huskily with a wink, licking his lips.

Spock’s eyes narrow. Bones throws his hands in the air and paces away. “Cease and desist your actions, Captain.”

“Make me.” the captain replies with a mock kiss.

A staring contest ensues, neither side faltering.

“You’re gonna get your ass kicked kid, and I’ll just sit and laugh at you.”

“Shut up Bones.”

“I’m only your doctor for chrissakes, I may know some things about the human body and what it can and cannot withstand. Just a hint, Vulcans are a _bit_ stronger than humans.” Bones whispers furiously in his favorite knucklehead’s ear.

“Shhhh, you’ll make him angry.” Kirk whispers back without taking his eyes off his First Officer’s.

“Your funeral.”

“You mean my victory. Booya!” Kirk tips his head back to laugh when Spock closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose. When he looks back he sees the retreating form of his friend down the hallway.

Spock stops by Scotty who is still holding the camera while giving a hesitant smile, sighs, and then keeps walking. Scotty beams and runs up to Kirk. “That’s the best one yet!” They pump their fists in the air and high-five each other in celebration.

“You better watch your back, kid. That look was anything but friendly.” Bones says to break the mood.

“You saw him walk away. He won’t do anything.”

“I highly doubt that.” Bones whispers as they leave, watching the video and laughing.

***

Kirk is in his room, reviewing the footage and admiring the stats when Spock enters silently. He looks up to suddenly see the Vulcan standing over him. Rising quickly, his chair is pushed back as they stand toe-to-toe.

Kirk is grinning, daring Spock to respond. It’s only dimly that he realizes his door has not only been closed, but also locked. Spock, just slightly taller, glares down at him.

“That was ill-advised, Captain.” He says, voice calm.

“Just a joke, Spock.”

“Unwise.”

“ _Fun_.”

Kirk notices Spock is advancing only when the backs of his legs bump against his bed. He turns to look down at the mattress in confusion and misses the way Spock’s fingers ghost over the keyboard, turning the camera on to record. When Kirk looks back Spock’s hands are around his head and neck. He panics for a moment. Spock allows a devious smile to lift the corners of his mouth up before surging forward.

Kirk is surrounded by Vulcan, lips together, hands brushing against his hair, Spock’s knee forcing his legs to crumble and send them falling onto the bed. The captain’s hands explore the chest on top of his before they are pulled up and pinned above his head with one of Spock’s. Their bodies are grinding together as Spock slips the other hand down between them.

Kirk squeaks against Spock’s lips and then groans at his touch. He never realized how passionate Vulcans could be. Completely aroused and only slightly frightened, he lets Spock dominate, too flustered to care. This is the least likely reaction he considered.

“There is a reason I asked you to stop, Captain.” Spock whispers in his ear, practically growling.

Kirk is panting, trying to catch his breath. “I knew…you liked…it.” He replied, arching into the touch and bringing their bodies closer.

“I am not as emotionless as everyone assumes. You of all people should know that by now.”

“Ye…ah…”

“Is this what you wanted from me?” Spock coos, using his touch to elicit sounds and movements from the Captain otherwise unheard of. Kirk is too blissed out to even notice the compromising position he’s in, enjoying the ride without thinking of what he’s saying or doing. Instinct, pure and simple. Spock knows this, is taking advantage of this, as he nibbles Kirk’s neck.

“Yesss.” Kirk hisses.

“So you admit your defeat?”

Kirk groans out his response, barely even paying attention to Spock’s words.

“All this for a vine.” The Vulcan sighs, suddenly letting go and standing, leaving the captain dazed. He turns to the computer and stops the recording, letting it upload for the world to see.

The next day, no one lets Kirk live down the fact that he was left flustered and fully hard after his encounter. Lesson learned: Don’t mess with Spock.

* * *

  **5 times Spock just lets it go and the 1 time he knocks Kirk the fuck out with his magic Vulcan fingers**

_I keep seeing these “5 times this and 1 time that” fics all over and I wanted to try it for this. Plus the way Spock does the nerve pinch on Kirk is always hilarious. This will serve as the musical portion (as they all eventually have) of the chapter/pairing._

~1~

Kirk realized his subtle flirting with Spock wasn’t registering in the Vulcan’s logical mind. His First Officer clearly had no idea what Kirk was trying to do with all of his shenanigans. Either he didn’t know, or refused to acknowledge it. Kirk thought it was pretty obvious (and the rest of the crew thought so as well) but apparently it wasn’t enough to get Spock’s attention. The captain decided there was only one thing to do: bring in the music.

The first song he decided to blare over the _Enterprise’s_ intercom system was something directed toward Spock, the only person this song could describe (besides the other unnamed aliens Kirk chose to ignore when thinking of the lyrics). A classic from the twenty-first century, Katy Perry’s “E.T.” played throughout the starship. Grinning with glee, Kirk went in search of Spock to see his reaction.

The Captain found his First Officer in the middle of a hallway, staring up at the speakers with a look of sheer bewilderment. Well, the Vulcan equivalent. Kirk decided to make his presence known as the second verse started up.

“ _You’re so supersonic, wanna feel your powers, stun me with your lasers. Your kiss is cosmic, every move is magic_.” Kirk sang, shimmying down the hall.

Spock sighed. “Very funny, captain. I suppose this is another one of your jokes?”

Instead of replying, Kirk kept singing, hoping to make his point clear. “ _You’re from a whole ‘nother world, a different dimension. You open my eyes, and I’m ready to go, lead me into the light!_ ”

Spock shook his head and started walking away. Kirk, desperate, sang out the lyrics a little louder than necessary. “ _Kiss me, ki-ki-kiss me! Infect me with your love and fill me with your poison! Take me, ta-ta-take me! Wanna be a victim, ready for abduction!_ ”

Spock stopped, his back to Kirk, rigid.

“ _Boy, you’re an alien, your touch so foreign! It’s supernatural, extraterrestrial!_ ”

Kirk noticed a slight tint of green at the tip of Spock’s ears as he quickly rounded the corner. Pouting, Kirk decided he would have to try another song.

~2~

Spock was walking past Med Bay when Kirk suddenly jumped out behind him, a music player in his hand (after numerous complaints from the crew, Kirk decided not to use the ship’s speakers for musical entertainment).

“ _Let’s get physical, physical! I wanna get physical, let’s get into physical! Let me hear your body talk, your body talk, let me hear your body talk!_ ” Kirk sang, dancing provocatively along to the song in front of his Vulcan crew member.

Spock used all of his self-control to walk away. If Bones wasn’t staring from inside his office at the odd display, he would’ve nerve pinched Kirk and left him in the hallway. Honestly. This was going too far.

~3~

“I don’t think he’s getting it.” Kirk grumbled.

“I’m pretty sure he gets it, he just doesn’t appreciate it.” Bones replied.

“One more song, and then I’ll try a different tactic.”

“Kirk, you’re walking a thin line here.”

“I’m going to make him like me if it kills me!” Kirk yelled as he strode away.

“Famous last words.” Bones mumbled.

Kirk found Spock in conversation with other officers. He waited until the Vulcan was done before dismissing the rest of the crew. His hands were behind his back, hiding the music player.

“We need to talk.”

“Yes, I am aware you are engaging in strange behavior lately. Again.” Spock replied.

“Oh really? You noticed that?”

“It was hard not to, captain.”

“Then why no response?” Kirk asked, genuinely curious and frustrated. He never had to try so hard to flirt before.

Spock sighed. “What you are attempting crosses multiple boundaries of ethics and inter-species relations—,” he began, delving into what would have been a lengthy monologue about something he could have summed up in a few simple words.

Instead, music began playing and Kirk sang along, again dancing suggestively, eyebrows wiggling and all. “ _Shut up and sleep with me. Come on why don’t you sleep with me? Shut up and sleep with me. Come on uh huh and sleep with me_.”

Spock’s eyes showed signs of disappointment. Instead of reacting, he simply walked away.

“Awww c’mon! That one was really obvious!” Kirk called after him. “Fine, be that way.”

~4~

“I am very close to becoming emotionally compromised, Captain, and it is entirely your fault.” Spock seethed.

“So I’m winning?” Kirk replied excitedly.

“You think this is a game?” Spock asked dangerously.

“No, no, that’s not what I meant!”

“If you continue with your actions I will ask to be transferred.”

Kirk gasped; appalled, sad, and angry. “I won’t approve it.” He snapped, crossing his arms over his chest and pouting.

The Vulcan sighed. “You’re being childish, as usual.”

“And you’re no fun, as always.” Kirk countered.

“I’m giving you one last chance, Captain. After that, I won’t be held responsible for my actions.”

Kirk raised his eyebrows. “Are you _threatening_ me?”

“Are you _flirting_ with me?” Spock quirked his sassy eyebrow and stared deep into those ocean blue eyes. Kirk opened his mouth, saw Spock’s expression, and wisely closed it. Spock let that moment speak for itself and started to walk away.

Kirk waited only a few seconds before deciding to go ahead with the song he already had planned. “But I just _want your bad romance_!” he called out, using his PADD to play the Lady GaGa tune. Spock stopped. “ _I want your love and I want your revenge. I want your love, I don’t wanna be friends!_ ”

Spock turned, murder in his chocolate eyes, and Kirk screamed, careening down the corridor and toward the Med Bay where he felt it safest.

“KIIIIIIIRRRRRRRK!” Spock yelled, practically beating down the door as the captain laughed breathlessly on the other side of it. Bones stood shaking his head, a disappointed southern expression on his face.

~5~

Kirk waited until he was a long distance away before playing his next song, despite Spock’s threats and McCoy’s warnings. The Doctor stood by, again shaking his head, while Kirk confiscated a communicator and held it up to the speakers.

Spock was on a mission, leading the landing party on a relatively unknown planet, when he heard the incoming beep from his communicator. “Bridge to Spock.” Kirk’s voice came through. Spock suspected something by the tone of that mischievous voice.

“Spock here.” He answered in a monotone.

“Never Gonna Give You Up” by Rick Astley came over his communicator, along with soft giggles from the crew on the bridge and members of his landing party. Spock glared at it, tempted to crush the device, but logic told him it would be dangerous to destroy one of the only links to the starship above him. He vowed, the next time he saw Kirk, the captain would _pay_.

~+1~

Kirk never saw it coming. Of course, it was hard to see something behind you, even if you were expecting an attack. Spock was quiet and stealthy as he snuck up on his captain. The _Enterprise_ leader was not informed of the landing party’s arrival back on the ship, per Spock’s orders as he was beamed back up. Bones, who was in conversation with Kirk, spotted Spock hovering over the captain’s shoulder. The Vulcan put a finger to his lips to indicate silence, and Bones didn’t question his first officer.

“Captain, I believe I have a promise to keep.” Spock whispered in Kirk’s ear, giving him just enough time to tense up before clamping his fingers around the nerves in his shoulder and pinching.

Kirk dropped to the floor, with Spock smiling down at him. After glancing around to observe the crew, who pretended not to notice, he grabbed the unconscious captain and hefted him over his shoulder. No one commented on the fact that he was heading toward his quarters. No one also discussed the disheveled but satisfied appearance of their captain hours later as he emerged from said quarters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note: Yes, you’ve all been rickrolled. Hope this chapter provided enough KirkxSpock crack action for everyone! Next up is KirkxBones. Any suggestions for crack shenanigans or what if scenarios? Let me know what you think in a review!


	3. McKirk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's only one doctor for Captain Kirk, and that's Bones McCoy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don’t even own these weird ship names, let alone the entire franchise of Star Trek. Neither do I own any songs.
> 
> Warning: (I think McKirk is right? McCirk? Idk) Slash, implied (consensual) sex. Bones being Bones (meaning swearing). Kirk being Kirk. Crack. Songs galore, including lyrics. Fluff. Alcohol mention.
> 
> This starts out as mostly crack and then gradually gets more serious.

**Kirk serenades Doctor McCoy with every cheesy doctor love song in the whole of human history—aka a repeat of the last two chapters.**

_(You have no idea how many songs there actually are that involve doctors. These are just a few I felt were appropriate. I made a[playlist ](http://8tracks.com/inth3end/the-doctor-of-love)to follow along~)_

“Bad Case of Loving You”—Robert Palmer

Doctor McCoy hears music in the distance, approaching quickly, before Kirk slides into Med Bay, holding something as if it were a microphone as he points to McCoy.

“ _Doctor, doctor, gimme the news! I got a bad caaaase of lovin’ you!_ ”

“Dammit man I’m a doctor not a—,” McCoy begins shouting as he chases Kirk around the room.

“ _No pill’s gonna cure my ill! I’ve got a bad case of looooovin’ you!_ ”

“I ain’t that kind of guy!” Bones yells at the exact same time as the lyrics. Kirk dodges all attempts at McCoy’s grasp, but soon he’s pinning the Captain to the floor and shouting in his face.

“ _I know you like it, you like it on top! Tell me Boooooones, are you gonna stoooooop?_ ” Kirk sings and begins laughing. Bones is so flustered Kirk manages to squirm out of his grip and runs away, singing the rest of the song.

“ _I’ve got it baaad and I’ve got it good!_ ”

***

“Calling Doctor Love”— Kiss

After Kirk dares Bones to join him in the singing shenanigans and he loses, the doctor finds himself in the middle of a karaoke session surrounded by his nurses, who enthusiastically play their roles. Swearing and shaking his head with a sour look on his face, he nonetheless gets into character for the chorus. “ _They call me!_ ”

“ _Doctor Love_!” the nurses sing.

“ _They call me Doctor Love!_ ” Bones continues, adding flair to his performance with a wave of his hands and sway of his hips.

“ _Calling Doctor Love!_ ” The nurses echo.

“ _I’ve got the cure you’re thinking of!_ ” he sings and points at Kirk, remembering the kid singing Robert Palmer’s song earlier in the week. He has to admit this is kinda…fun. In a disturbing way. Not that he enjoys doing this little back-and-forth with the man who likes getting hurt more than anything else. Besides sex, of course.

“ _So if you please get on your knees. There are no bills, there are no fees_. _Baby I know what your problem is. The first step of the cure is…a kiss!_ ” he continues to sing, looking directly into shining blue eyes staring up at him. “ _I am your doctor of loooove!_ ”

***

“Doctor”—Bliss Band

Kirk knows just how to respond to McCoy’s karaoke session as he struts into Med Bay once again.

“Oh look who showed up for once,” Bones says in a sarcastic manner once he sees Jim.

“I’ve been hearing things, Bones,” Kirk states, serious.

“Oh? Like what?” the doctor asks, playing right into Kirk’s trap. He sees it in the wide smile and glint in those blue eyes right before Kirk begins singing again.

“ _They tell me you’re a doctor, well you got no cure for what’s been aaaailing me! No you got no pills or potions that can take this pain!_ ” he dramatizes the event by falling to his knees.

“Kirk I swear to—,”

“’ _Cause I believe my heart is brooooken! Cut like butter with a knife!_ ”

“I’m going to strap you down and—,”

“ _And when I heard about the death of rock and roll it made me wanna cry_!” and here tears actually begin to fall.

“JESUS KIRK YOU WEREN’T EVEN BORN IN THAT ERA! ROCK’S BEEN DEAD FOR HUNDREDS OF YEARS GET OVER IT!”

“ _You’re acting like you’ve never seen a grown man ever cry before!_ ”

“I’ll make you cry alright, c’mere!” Bones growls and grabs for him again.

***

“Doctor My Eyes”—Jackson Browne

Kirk has a bounce in his step as he promptly reports to Med Bay for his next physical. He’s actually starting to enjoy these little moments with Bones McCoy. Of course, the doctor’s examinations are _very_ thorough and _very_ physical. (As in sex. Lots of sex.)

“So, Kirk, how have you been?” McCoy asks with a sigh as he looks at the captain’s chart.

“ _Doctor, my eyes have seen the years and the slow parade of fears without crying_ ,” Kirk begins to sing.

Bones throws his hands up and starts to walk away.

“ _Now I want to understand!_ ” Kirk continues, reaching out for the man in the blue shirt. “ _I have done all that I could to see the evil and the good without hiding. You must help me if you can~_ ”

“No!” McCoy yells from across the room as he paces.

“ _Doctor, my eyes! Tell me what is wrong!_ ”

“Wait is there something actually wrong with your eyes?” Bones asks and rushes back to him. He began to think maybe this was just Kirk’s obnoxious way of communicating with him. “It’s like you’re trying to speak to me, I know it!” he whispers under his breath.

“ _Was I unwise to leave them open for so long?_ ”

“Are your retinas burning? Do you have any vision loss? Speak to me man!” he shakes the Captain.

“ _’Cause I have wandered through this world—_ ,” Kirk continues again after a pause.

“Ack! I give up on you!” Bones exclaims and walks away again. As he walks down the hallway he hears Kirk still singing as if everything is perfectly fine and he isn’t being a complete numbskull.

***

“Love Potion Number 9”—The Clovers

“So how did your physical go, Captain?” Sulu asks once the man returns from Med Bay.

“Well, Doctor McCoy prescribed me _love potion number niiiine_!” he begins to sing again.

“Oh no not again,” the pilot groans. The entire bridge sighs, throwing their hands up in the air.

“See what you started? Why do you even ask?” Uhura snaps at him.

“I’m sorry! I didn’t know he was still doing this!” Sulu replies, gesturing to their captain who is singing again, laying across the chair in a ridiculous fashion, again with a microphone-like object in his hands. “Although that’s a bit fitting for him…”

***

“I Don’t Need No Doctor”—Humble Pie

This time Kirk is actually in trouble. Bleeding and probably suffering from internal injuries as well, he stumbles through the hallway shouting orders at his crew. They scramble to and fro, attempting to carry out their duties.

“Jim, you need to get down to Med Bay!” Bones yells at him over the comm.

“ _I don’t need no doctor!_ ” the Captain yells back.

“Dammit Jim this is serious!”

“ _All I need is my baaaaby_!” he continues.

“That’s sweet and all but I really want you to come down here,” McCoy replies.

“ _I don’t neeeed no doctor!_ ”

“YES YOU FUCKING DO JAMES TIBERIUS KIRK!”

The Captain simply ignores him as he continues singing, despite his injuries.

***

“Doctor Feelgood”—Motley Crue

“So what’s it like being in a relationship with Doctor McCoy?” Uhura asks, curiosity finally forcing her to confront Kirk about the matter. Everyone knew those “physical exams” were happening way too regularly and lasting way too long to be normal. Plus, Kirk was actually going to them and was _happy_ about it. Something had to be up. The only logical conclusion (which Spock confirmed) is: the two are fucking.

“Well Lieutenant, I have a special name for him,” Kirk replies with a fond smile.

“I know, you call him Bones for some reason. Kinda morbid, I guess, but—,”

“No, no, that’s not what I meant,” Kirk interrupts what was probably going to be a linguistic overlook on the word ‘bones’ and how it fit McCoy’s personality and methods as a medical practitioner.

“Then what?” she asks again, instantly regretting once the words leave her mouth. She knows that look.

“ _He’s the one they call Doctor Feelgood! He’s the one that makes you feel alright~!”_

“I get it, the sex is great,” she replies with a roll of her eyes as he keeps going.

“ _I’ve got one thing you’ll understaaaand! He’s not what you call a glamorous maaaan! Got one thing that’s easily understooood! He’s the one they call Doctor Feelgoooooood!_ ” Kirk continues despite her (and everyone else’s) protests. He proceeds to rock out in his chair, pretending to shred the guitar as he ends up dangling across the arm rests.

McCoy, for his credit, stands with his head in his hands, sighing.

***

“Doctor! Doctor!”—Thompson Twins

“Kirk, I just want you to be serious for one moment,” Bones sighs as they, yet again, attempt a real physical exam.

“I am serious,” Kirk says as a smile creeps across his face.

“Oh no…no, no, no….noooooo!” Bones cries, putting his hands over his ears.

“ _Doctor, doctor! Can’t you see I’m burning, burning?_ ”

“I will set you on fire to make that literal! Don’t think I won’t!”

“ _Oh doctor, doctor! Is this love I’m feeling?_ ”

“You’ll be feeling my fist down your throat if you don’t shut up!” Bones yells. “You know what? I’m done!” he adds and begins to walk out.

“ _Please don’t go! No please don’t go! ‘Cause I don’t want to staaaay here on my own!_ ” Kirk pleads, exaggerating the way he reaches for McCoy.

“If you don’t want to be alone you need to STOP FUCKING SINGING DAMMIT!”

***

_(What Bones doesn’t realize until it’s too late is that Kirk was just trying to tell him how he felt through song~)_  

“Doctor, Doctor”—Iron Maiden

This time Kirk is chasing Bones down the hall, belting the latest song. “ _Doctor, doctor pleeease! Don’t you know I’m goin’ fast? Doctor, doctor pleeease! Don’t you know I just can’t live?_ ”

“That’s because I’m going to kill you!” Bones shouts over his shoulder.

“ _You walked up to me and really stole my heart!_ ”

“This isn’t funny anymore, Kirk!”

“Dammit Bones I’m just trying to tell you how I feel!” Kirk yells back as a diversionary tactic and McCoy stops, successfully distracted.

“Wait, you actually stopped singing when I told you to?”

“It’s hard for me to share my true feelings, but through songs it’s not as awkward,” Kirk replies with a puppy dog face.

McCoy takes a moment to digest this, then furrows his brows in confusion when Kirk drops to all fours and begins stalking forward seductively.

“ _But you look so angry as I crawl across your floor_!”

McCoy screams and clutches his head. “IT NEVER FUCKING ENDS!”

*** 

Bonus: “Turn Me On”—David Guetta feat. Nicki Minaj

Stranded on an alien planet, Kirk has only one option. In order to call for help without risking his captors knowing, he starts to sing during the interrogation, which they are live streaming onto the _Enterprise_ as a form of intimidation.

“ _Doctor, doctor, need you back home, baby. Doctor, doctor, where you at? Give me somethin’. I need your love, I need your love, I need your lovin’. You got that kind of medicine that keep me comin’._ ”

Apparently his kidnappers think singing is weird, because they begin using abrasive tactics to shut him up. He perseveres, used to a bit of pain every once in a while.

“ _My body needs a hero, come and save me! Something tells me you know how to save me! I’ve been feeling weird, oh! Oh I need you to come and rescue meeeee!_ ”

The lyrics may be a bit too revealing at this point, because even though the aliens speak very little English, they seem to understand a distress call when they hear it.

That’s why, when Bones McCoy races onto the bridge of the _Enterprise_ after hearing a familiar set of vocal chords, he sees Kirk scream the next part. He also skips a few lyrics.

“ _Come on and…save my life!...I’m too young to die! Come on! Come on! Come on!_ ”

It isn’t Spock, in his strength and logic, who ends up accepting the request of his commander. It isn’t Scotty or Chekov who perform a miracle in beaming technology. It isn’t Sulu, fencing and botanical master, who fights his way into the heart of the enemy’s territory. It isn’t Uhura who talks them down.

It is Doctor Leonard “Bones” McCoy who strides onto the Starfleet vessel with the Captain in his arms after successfully rescueing him single-handedly (well, with the help of other crew members, of course). He rushes to Med Bay and begins commanding his medical team to heal the wounds caused by the torture.

Kirk’s lungs are unable to continue his song, but with a small smile he programs the rest of it into his PADD and plays it while Bones works.

_Oh you make it, make it right_  
_My temperature is super high_  
_If I scream, if I cry  
_ _It’s only ‘cause I feel alive!_

Kirk struggles a bit, clenching the sides of the table he is laid on and biting his lip. His vitals are haywire, but Bones makes sure to keep everything in balance. Blood drips onto the floor, but the nurses don’t slip in the special footwear they have on. Even though the doctor is terrified of losing Jim, his hands never shake. His orders are sharp and aware, brain focused on what needs to be done. They are both just glad Jim is still alive.

_My body needs a hero,_  
_Come and save me!_  
_Something tells me you know_  
_How to save me!_  
_I’ve been feeling weird oh!_  
_Oh! I need you  
_ _To come and rescue me!_

After that, the next time Jim is screaming, it isn’t due to pain.

_Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!_

In fact, the good doctor not only heals his wounds, but also fulfils all those other promises he made from the desires expressed through Jim’s song.

_Make me come alive,_  
_come on and turn me on!_  
_Touch me, save my life_  
_Come on and turn me on!_  
_I’m too young to die,_  
_come on and turn me on,_  
_turn me on, turn me on,  
_ _turn me on, turn me on!_

Kirk never felt more alive after that experience. He doesn’t have to sing nearly as much as before to get the doctor’s attention, either. Just one note, one whispered phrase, and he’s on the table again.

_You’ve got my life_  
_in the palm of your hands_  
_(palm of your hands)_  
_Come and save me now_  
_I know you can  
_ _(I know you can)_

The captain thought it was erotic how much control Bones has over not only his emotions but also his medical training. One wrong move of the scalpel, a bad reaction to medicine meant to cure, a purposeful exclusion of healing, and Kirk would be dead. It really…turns him on.

_Don’t let me die young_  
_I just want you to father my young_  
_I just want you to be my doctor_  
_We could get it crackin’ chiropractor_  
_I know you can save me  
_ _And make me feel alive!_

Everyone knew Jim Kirk only had one doctor from then on, who he actually listened to and complied with. No one else was allowed near him with a hypo-shot. No one’s hands could massage all the tension out at the end of a long day or save a young man’s soul just as much as his very life.

Bones McCoy would forever and always be Kirk’s physician.

* * *

 

**Cuddle Time**

_Nothing heals emotional wounds better than good ole cuddle time. Aka time for some fluff._

After a long, stressful day of near death and constant adrenaline, Captain Kirk just wanted to lay in bed with the arms of his favorite doctor around him.

Of course, Doctor McCoy insisted on an exam to ensure the captain was in good health, first. Finding that he was, he gave his diagnosis.

“I recommend lots of rest and am prescribing you a night’s worth of Cuddle Time,” the doctor said in the same manner he would use to deliver a medical prognosis.

Jim Kirk looked at his Chief Medical Officer, a lazy grin slowly forming across his face.

Bones met his eyes and smiled back. “Meet me in my quarters in 10 minutes for your treatment, captain.”

Exactly ten minutes later, Kirk walked into McCoy’s room. The doctor set down his PADD and laid down on the bed, beckoning the captain to join him. After ensuring the door was properly closed, Kirk did just that: crawling onto the bed and into the doctor’s arms.

They snuggled up to each other, Leonard’s arms wrapped around Jim in a warm, comforting embrace. Kirk was curled up against his chest, nuzzling closer. A sigh of relief escaped him. Bones felt the captain finally start to relax, his muscles loosening and eyes drooping.

“Would you like a massage, captain?” McCoy whispered in his ears.

“Mhmm,” Kirk replied in approval. He was gently placed on his stomach after having his shirt removed, and then the doctor’s soothing, magical hands were upon his sore back.

The doctor used his medical training to relieve the tight muscles and get rid of knots all along Kirk’s back, neck, and shoulders. Rubbing his hands together to create heat, he poured some lotion onto Jim’s back and let the mixture provide even deeper relaxation.

Once Kirk was nice and relaxed, but not quite asleep, Bones pulled off most of his clothes and maneuvered them both underneath the covers.

Kirk wrapped his arms around McCoy’s neck and pressed his face against the other man’s collarbone, breathing slowly. In return, Bones held the captain close against his chest. Their legs became intertwined with each other, but they didn’t mind.

Bones used one hand to stroke the back of Kirk’s head, fingers softly threading through his short hair. Soon he could hear light snoring coming from the other man, and he smiled down at him, kissing the top of his head. Not long after, Bones drifted off to sleep.

They were safe and warm in each other’s arms. That’s all he ever wanted.

* * *

**A Charming Smile & Tall Glass of Mojito**

_Doctor McCoy finally has a day off, and Captain Kirk joins him for a drink. Talk about your Southern Comforts…(TOS-inspired)_

For once, the universe wasn’t exploding. The _Enterprise_ was in perfect condition, and the crew was happy. Instead of bemoaning a lack of work, the good doctor sat back with a contented sigh. He held a drink in one hand, taking sips and releasing more satisfied sounds.

“Doctor McCoy, you look happy sitting there,” Captain Kirk said as he sauntered up to the other man.

“Happy I am, Captain. Care for a drink?” Bones asked him.

“You have any whiskey?” Kirk inquired with a grin.

The doctor pointed to his liquor cabinet. “Help yourself. I think we both deserve it.”

“Right you are, Doctor,” Kirk replied, grabbing his favorite bottle out of the cabinet and sitting down next to his Chief Medical Officer.

After a few more glasses of mojito and whiskey, the two began chatting amicably.

“Did I ever tell you how charming your smile is, Doctor?” Kirk said.

“Charming? Well, I’m a Southern Boy, after all.” Bones chuckled, taking another swig of his mojito.

“And the way you talk is so…refreshing. I can listen to you for hours,” Jim told him.

“Really? You don’t seem to listen to me when I’m trying to save your life,” McCoy said and snorted.

“Oh come on, Bones, you know me.”

“I do know you, Jim,” Leonard drawled.

The two shared a look of contentment and peace, staring into each other’s eyes with ease.

“I call today a success, doctor,” Kirk finally said after a few moments of silence between them.

“As do I. In fact, I recommend days like this more often for both of our health,” McCoy replied.

“Shall we make this a regular treatment, then?” Kirk joked.

“I’d say once a month would do the whole crew just fine.”

“You’d better write it up, doctor.”

“Jim, if I had the whim to stand and locate my prescription pad right now, I would. As it is, I feel just fine staying put and relaxing for a little while longer.”

Kirk laughed, and soon McCoy joined him.

Spock entered the room to see the two of them patting each other’s backs, drinks in hand and laughing jovially together. While the half-Vulcan thought the ritual a bit absurd, he had been around his captain and CMO long enough to simply raise an eyebrow at their antics.

“Care to join us, Spock?” Kirk asked, raising his glass as an invitation.

“No thank you, Captain. I prefer not to drink,” Spock replied.

“Well you could at least sit with us and chat. Even Vulcans need to relax once in a while,” the doctor said.

“I’ve had a rather relaxing day, actually,” Spock said. He paused, considering a thought. “Although, I suppose there wouldn’t be any harm in joining you.” Having said that, he took a seat next to them.

Leonard turned to Jim, beaming. “My god, I even got the most uptight crewmember to agree with me. This _must_ be one of the best days of my life!”

Kirk laughed loudly at that, leaning back in his chair and slapping the table.

“Doctor, there have been many times when you and I have agreed,” Spock said, head slightly tilted towards him.

“It’s just a joke, Spock, don’t take too much from it,” Kirk told him.

The three Starfleet members continued chatting, Kirk and Bones slightly drunk but happy, and the First Officer amused with his crewmates.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that, ladies and gents, is how you woo a Doctor, Captain Kirk style. This went from cray to fluff real fast and I have no apologies. So hey who wants McSpirk next?


End file.
